The default modes of successful marriages – Part II


“Love is meaningless where there is no sacrifice. Loving your wife will require you to give up certain preferences, especially the ones that do not impact directly on the direction or vision of the family.”

Last week, we began to examine the subject of default modes of successful marriages. We dealt extensively with the responsibilities of the woman in the union.

As I began to write about the man’s default, I am reminded about a situation that happened while I was in courtship with my wife. She had acted in a way that I didn’t like and I wanted to exert myself as the head of the union by getting angry to show her my displeasure. Looking back, I know better that you don’t need to exert yourself to show you are the head. Just lead! 

Being the head as a man does not mean you are the better person in the union and should not give you a superiority complex. Being the head puts a responsibility on you.

When you start your marital journey, it’s okay for your wife to submit because she has to but as you grow, make it a goal for her to submit because she wants to. It should be because she has been able to prove that following your leadership has paid off. 

To the man, he says; 

Husbands, Love! The love here is not a feeling but is the one called ‘agape’ which means, “I love you period.” It is not love based on conditions. This love is not even predicated on her actions or inaction but a God ordained default setting for a man. Loving her entails understanding her and a willingness to make excuses for her.

What you love, you protect from harm and hurt. What you love you accept unconditionally. The man must understand that he is married to a woman not a fellow man and that should help him manage his expectations of her. 

One thing that explains love the most is unconditional acceptance. You cannot change a spouse you don’t accept. The story of the prodigal son explains this in that when the lost son came home, the father embraced him despite his appearance before asking for a change of garment (Luke chapter 15).

Most times, we want to do the opposite with our wives. We want them to change their garments before embracing them. I accept my wife’s strengths and weakness and I do my best never to allow her doubt my unconditional acceptance. That is the key to enjoying your spouse. 

The love here is compared to the kind of love that Christ has for us that He gave up his life. ‘Love your wife’ is a huge one for the man and it’s also not dependent on whether she submits or not. This means that the love is meaningless where there is no sacrifice. Loving your wife will require you to give up certain preferences, especially the ones that do not impact directly on the direction or vision of the family. This love means willingness to come down from your glory like Jesus did to bring her to glory also. This love is far from the hormonal rush you experience especially in courtship but the one that wants to sacrifice. 


That the man is the head of the home means that the success of the home depends on him largely. Just think for a moment what the head does in the body. All the functionality of the body depends on the head. It gives direction to the entire body.

The brain, the eyes, the ears, the mouth and the nose are all positioned right in the head which makes the role of the man very significant. The outcome of your home depends on how well you carry out your responsibility. 

The above default modes of marriage will serve as pillars that will make a marriage strong, solid and happy.

Your marriage will succeed! 


The Default Modes of Successful Marriages


We all know what default setting means on our devices. It means the way the manufacturer made it to be in the beginning before we started to put our stuff in it. Sometimes it is called factory setting. Just as our devices have a default setting, God has a default mode for marriage. Each party in the union has his or her factory setting that makes the union a great place to be. 

It’s important we are all clear that marriage is God’s idea and therefore His default mode for the institution remains the best for us all to be. Every time we refuse to embrace His design, we definitely malfunction. Interestingly, He also specified the mode of each party in the book of Ephesians and it can be simply summarized in one word for each one in the union. 

For The Woman He says; 

Wives, submit..meaning a disposition of willingness to give in even though you feel your opinion is better. It does not in any way mean that the woman is the inferior one in the marriage institution. If anything the admonition to submit means that you have the same capacity and value as the man does but for the purpose of order, you give up your position. No wonder it’s important for a woman to marry a man who follows God so that she can be secured because her default mode must always be to submit as unto God. 

The wisdom here is that when your husband does not have a reason to doubt your mode, which is submission, you will command greater influence than trying to prove you’re right and rub your opinion in his face. For example, your husband should be confident that you trust his judgment and leadership of the family. It does not mean that he is perfect. He is not the head because he is ahead or because he is more intelligent but because that is the order that God has set. Don’t constantly and openly disregard what your husband says; neither should your words towards him be demeaning. Whenever you make him feel less than what God has made him to be, he will begin to malfunction. 

The fact that your husband is the head does not mean you are the tail. Anything below the head starts from the neck and they all have influence on what happens to the head. Have you ever imagined the head without a body or vice versa? It can only happen in a movie! We live in a real world. 

It’s not surprising that God wired men the way he did and there is an instruction of submission to the women. Little wonder it is said that respect ranks the highest in all of men’s primary need even above sex and food. When he does not get it from home, he might be tempted to look elsewhere for it. Respect your husband. Let your actions show that you honour him as the head of the home.


My wife and I have this understanding as a foundation of our marriage and that has helped us to navigate marital challenges that breaks homes down. When we have a family decision to make, even though my wife has her opinion and how she feels we should go about it, yet she subjects it for final ratification from me. This makes me feel seriously respected and  I don’t even try to manufacture reasons why it shouldn’t be done that way. 

The call to being a wife is the call to embrace God’s default mode of submission. That God said you should submit means that you are a person of substance and quality. Have you heard this phrase before ‘first amongst equals’? This applies in marriage. It is not to say the women folks are lesser beings but it is for the purpose of order in the union. When the Bible calls the woman a weaker vessel, it does mean the man also is weak in a sense. It means she’s fragile and fragile things get protected and handled with care. Make it easy for your husband to handle you with care by your vulnerability and making submission your default mode. 

Watch out for the next article as I will be talking about what the default mode is for the men. Till then, have in mind that your responsibility is not predicated on your spouse’s action or inaction. 

Child of God, understand that you are more.


I hope you’ve been enjoying the series on the power of identity. Today, I am going to talk more about discovering who you are in Christ. 

1 Corinthians 9:24 is such an insightful verse of Scripture. Take a look at what it says:

“Do you not know that those who run in a race all run, but one receives the prize? Run in such a way that you may obtain it”

When I looked closely at this verse, I asked myself; “Does it mean that only one person will win the Christian race?” If this is so, why am I even running in the first place if it is only one person that will win? What is the probability that I will be the winner? But thank God for the Holy Spirit who brought light on the Scripture.

What I discovered from this verse is that there is a possibility for everyone to be the first but the condition for this to happen is that you must stay on your track. In a marathon race, any athlete that crosses another man’s track is instantly disqualified.  So much more than just running, you have to stay on your track. No matter how good your speed is, forget about running if you are not on your track. Do what God has called you to do and stop running in another man’s track.

Note what Paul said in this verse. He said “run in such a way that you may obtain.” Don’t run to impress; run to obtain. Win in your own area of assignment. Stop pursuing another man’s dream or purpose. You are not any man. You are you. You are not competing with anybody but yourself.

But I keep under my body, and bring it into subjection: lest that by any means, when I have preached to others, I myself should be a castaway. 1 Corinthians 9:27

Note the distinction in the words by Paul in the verse above. He said “I” put “my body” under. So he was not his body. One of the things you compete with is your body; the dictates of your flesh, the Adamic nature of sin. No wonder Paul said the flesh profits nothing.

Your competition against people is a waste of time and resource. Compete with what is competing with you; that is your body and you are assured of winning. There was a time in my life that I wished I could be some of my friends or neighbours because I didn’t like myself. I thought I was not good enough and I would have been better being someone else. But I discovered that no one is bound to like me beyond the way I love myself and so I began to love myself.

Jesus said “love your neighbour as yourself.” That word is loaded. It means I have to know how to love myself in order to love my neighbour. How could I ever love my neighbour if I don’t know what it means to love by practising it on myself?

Do you know what I discovered as soon as I started loving myself? People started liking me and appreciating my uniqueness. I remember a story I heard many years ago; a young dynamic man of God was praying one morning and God asked him who the person that was praying is. Puzzled by that, he said “but Lord, it’s me, your son”. God replied him and said, “I can see the hands of so and so man of God (because of his gesticulations), I can hear the voice of that man of God…can you just be real?”

This is my suggestion – stop trying to be anybody that is existing or has existed before. You can only be the best by being yourself. Second bests are not usually recognized. Before I round off this chapter, I want to ask a simple question; do you know who the second oldest man in the Bible is? I am sure most people don’t know him, not because he was too old, after all he was 962 years, but because he was simply not the oldest man.


Never struggle to be second best in life. Be the your best in the assignment God has for you here on earth. Stop yielding to distractions here and there. Enjoy being yourself. Do you know that David would not have won Goliath with Saul’s armour? Why? It was because Saul himself could not defeat Goliath with that same armour he gave to David. Return the armour of Saul and grab your sling. Your uniqueness will determine what you will win with.

Finally, John refused to be called by another person despite their greatness. Elijah was great in his time. The prophets were great people but always remember that a person whom God has not started with is better than the one He has finished with. No wonder Paul said in Romans 8:37 that in all things, we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. This means that we are more than those who have already conquered. Child of God, understand that you are more.


#Identity – Do you know who you really are?


“And they asked him, “What then? Are you Elijah?”

“Are you…?” This question is a very interesting question that we are asked in life, either directly or indirectly. In John 1:21, we see the man John the Baptist asked the above question; ”Are you Elijah?” Expect to be asked this question in life. This is a question of comparison. Man will always find something that has existed before to compare you with but little do they know that according to 1 Cor 2:9, eye has not seen, nor ear heard, nor have entered into the heart of man the things which God has prepared for those who love Him.

No man can be compared with you. Even though people will try to define you, you have to understand that your true definition can never come from man. In fact, man will always short circuit or underestimate what God has called you. Man will put a limit on what God calls you.

Jesus said in Matthew 11:11, “Assuredly, I say to you, among those born of women there has not risen one greater than John the Baptist…” Nobody was a great as John the Baptist from all who existed before Him but they were still trying to compare him with Elijah. Don’t let anyone compare you to anyone who has existed before you. You are different from all.

When Joseph told his bream to his mother, father and brothers, they underestimated his dream. Joseph saw that the sun, moon and eleven stars bowed down to him (Gen 37:10), but note his father’s interpretation of the dream:

…Shall your mother and I and your brothers indeed come to bow down to the earth before you?”

What an underestimation of such a big dream! I want to let you know that was not the interpretation of the dream and these are the reasons why:

  • Joseph’s mother was not there at the fulfilment of the dream.
  • Jacob did not bow down to him when he finally saw his long lost son

Joseph’s dream was a world class dream but they gave it a family definition. The dream suggested that Joseph will be a world renowned influence but they were going to make it a local champion dream. No man can rightly estimate you neither do they have any right whatsoever to estimate you. Even Joseph’s father could not give a right estimation to his beloved son’s dream. Remember, he loved Joseph that he bought a coat of many colours for him but that love was not powerful enough to make him give the right definition of his son’s dream.


Stop waiting for man to define you. Don’t surrender your identity to external factors. Joseph’s dream had more to do with the fact that the people that matter in that time will still come and receive of him.

Refuse to be anybody other than yourself. You can only achieve God’s purpose by being you because God knows the best identity you need to carry out His assignment for your life. Many people in our world today are trying to live out the script that a man – who could come in form of anybody like your parents, guardian, mentors, pastors etc – wrote out for them rather than following the script God wrote for them.

Don’t miss next week’s post as I talk more about your identity in Christ. 

#Identity – You are not what you have or what you do


It is so amazing that in our world today, it is difficult to get people who can put a clear cut dichotomy between who they are and what they have or what they do.

A while ago, I had a discussion with some youths and an interesting question was raised. The question was this; if you are given 20 million naira, can you walk nude for a distance of 6km? I was completely shocked when someone said that not only was he ready to walk 6km, he was also ready to go naked for 50km. What he was saying essentially was that the N20m was worth that venture. That young man has not been able to sort out his identity because if he understands who he is, he will not be ready to lose his name for material things.

You must realise that the money does not make the man rather; it is the man that makes the money. A wise man said money is neither moral nor immoral but money is amoral. That means money does not have an identity of its own. It takes on the identity of the person who holds it.  If it is in the hands of an immoral man, it becomes immoral and in the hands of the moral man, it becomes moral.


In the same vein, material things should not dictate who you are. Who you are should dictate the material things instead. We can therefore conclude that who you are is superior to what you have or what you do. It is remarkable to note that God is even more interested in who we are than what is in our hands. In the book of Samuel, when Samuel was on an assignment to anoint someone as king of Israel after Saul had disappointed and failed God, God made it clear that “man looks at the outward but He looks at the heart.” (1 Samuel 16:7)

I believe this is the reason many do not focus on who they are. They fail to pay attention to the state of their heart and prefer to impress men by the outward rather than impressing God by their inward. Proverbs 23:7 says, “As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he.”What this Scripture is saying is that you are not better than the state of your heart because your heart is you. It is the essence of your being. We call it the core of your being. Its state determines who you are. Rev Sam Adeyemi said, “The heart of the matter is a matter of the heart.”

There is no security in what you have but in who you are. You can have N100m in your account, yet not be a millionaire. In fact, that N100m in your account is temporary if you are not a millionaire in your thinking. It is as a man thinks in his heart and not what a man has in his hands or pocket or his account.

You are not what you have but you are who you are. You are your state of heart. If you have what you are not, you will soon lose what you think you have. We have loads of people in our environment today who will be broke in just three months if they lose that high paying job. Most people only derive their sense of worth from what they have and not who they are. Before you have more, you need to become more. It is the outgoing of your present level that moves you to another level entirely. Focus on who you are.

The Power of Identity



Identity is such an important concept because it defines who you are, where you are going and what you will achieve. As a child of God, your identity should be defined by God and God alone. Who does God say you are?

God gave man His identity the moment He created him but the devil came shortly afterward to steal that identity.

“Now the serpent was more cunning than any beast of the field which the Lord God had made. And he said to the woman, “Has God indeed said, ‘You shall not eat of every tree of the garden’?” Genesis 3:1

In the verse above, the first thing the devil did to Adam and Eve was to make them doubt what God said.  He went to attack the root of their identity. You must understand that your identity is hidden in what God has said. Do you know what God has said about you? Do you see yourself in the light of God’s word?

Be careful how you treat God’s word because in the Word you find your identity. You begin to fail in the understanding of your identity when you doubt the word of God. Child of God, do away with anything that makes you doubt what God said. Look at Genesis 3:1 again, the devil said, “Has God indeed said…” He was asking them if they were sure that God said what they thought He said. He was creating room for doubt. Anytime you hear such a voice that questions what God has said, understand that the devil is at it again. The devil doesn’t have a new style; he uses the same old method over and over again. Paul said in 2 Corinthians 2:11 that we are not ignorant of his devices because he has not changed his style at all.


Stop listening to the lies of the devil. He made Adam and Eve to doubt by telling them what God did not say. He said, “Has God indeed said, ‘You shall not eat of every tree of the garden?” Looking at Genesis 2, you will see that God did not say that;

“And the Lord God commanded the man, saying, “Of every tree of the garden you may freely eat; but of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat of it you shall surely die. Genesis 2:16-17

We see here that God permitted them to eat of every tree of the garden except the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. By saying that God told them not to eat of every tree in the garden, the devil was only telling distorted truth which is essentially a lie. He is a liar and the father of it in fact.

The devil not only operates by audibly telling us distorted truth alone; he also uses situations to lie to us. Sometimes, situations speak to us and they are contrary to what God said to us. Understand that what is written is superior to what is happening. So, if what is happening does not correspond to what is written, then what is happening is temporal. Dr Myles Munroe once said, “If what you see is not what you have seen, then what you see is temporal.”

We know that the devil tries to tell us lies but do you know your response to his lies is important? When he tried to sow seeds of doubt in their heart, Adam and Eve did not place a premium on God’s word. What they did was try to reason and discuss with him. No wonder the devil could proceed with the lie in Genesis 3:4;

Then the serpent said to the woman, “You will not surely die. For God knows that in the day you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.”

Adam and Eve should have responded to the devil using what God said just as Jesus did in Matthew 4 when the devil tried to tempt Him. Jesus started His reply with “It is written” for all the things the devil said to Him. He overcame the devil using the word of God.

Don’t let the devil steal your identity by telling you what God has not said about you. There are people today who hold on to positions and titles and this has, for a long time, hindered them from pressing into God’s height for them.


The starting point of your breakthrough is knowing who you are. Moses did not know or understand his identity until he was forty years old. Prior to this time, he did mot visit his brethren or reckon with them.  He stepped into destiny the moment he realised his identity.

Your sense of identity ultimately decides the path you will take in life. So ask yourself this question; “Who am I?”