The Default Modes of Successful Marriages


We all know what default setting means on our devices. It means the way the manufacturer made it to be in the beginning before we started to put our stuff in it. Sometimes it is called factory setting. Just as our devices have a default setting, God has a default mode for marriage. Each party in the union has his or her factory setting that makes the union a great place to be. 

It’s important we are all clear that marriage is God’s idea and therefore His default mode for the institution remains the best for us all to be. Every time we refuse to embrace His design, we definitely malfunction. Interestingly, He also specified the mode of each party in the book of Ephesians and it can be simply summarized in one word for each one in the union. 

For The Woman He says; 

Wives, submit..meaning a disposition of willingness to give in even though you feel your opinion is better. It does not in any way mean that the woman is the inferior one in the marriage institution. If anything the admonition to submit means that you have the same capacity and value as the man does but for the purpose of order, you give up your position. No wonder it’s important for a woman to marry a man who follows God so that she can be secured because her default mode must always be to submit as unto God. 

The wisdom here is that when your husband does not have a reason to doubt your mode, which is submission, you will command greater influence than trying to prove you’re right and rub your opinion in his face. For example, your husband should be confident that you trust his judgment and leadership of the family. It does not mean that he is perfect. He is not the head because he is ahead or because he is more intelligent but because that is the order that God has set. Don’t constantly and openly disregard what your husband says; neither should your words towards him be demeaning. Whenever you make him feel less than what God has made him to be, he will begin to malfunction. 

The fact that your husband is the head does not mean you are the tail. Anything below the head starts from the neck and they all have influence on what happens to the head. Have you ever imagined the head without a body or vice versa? It can only happen in a movie! We live in a real world. 

It’s not surprising that God wired men the way he did and there is an instruction of submission to the women. Little wonder it is said that respect ranks the highest in all of men’s primary need even above sex and food. When he does not get it from home, he might be tempted to look elsewhere for it. Respect your husband. Let your actions show that you honour him as the head of the home.


My wife and I have this understanding as a foundation of our marriage and that has helped us to navigate marital challenges that breaks homes down. When we have a family decision to make, even though my wife has her opinion and how she feels we should go about it, yet she subjects it for final ratification from me. This makes me feel seriously respected and  I don’t even try to manufacture reasons why it shouldn’t be done that way. 

The call to being a wife is the call to embrace God’s default mode of submission. That God said you should submit means that you are a person of substance and quality. Have you heard this phrase before ‘first amongst equals’? This applies in marriage. It is not to say the women folks are lesser beings but it is for the purpose of order in the union. When the Bible calls the woman a weaker vessel, it does mean the man also is weak in a sense. It means she’s fragile and fragile things get protected and handled with care. Make it easy for your husband to handle you with care by your vulnerability and making submission your default mode. 

Watch out for the next article as I will be talking about what the default mode is for the men. Till then, have in mind that your responsibility is not predicated on your spouse’s action or inaction. 


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