The default modes of successful marriages – Part II


“Love is meaningless where there is no sacrifice. Loving your wife will require you to give up certain preferences, especially the ones that do not impact directly on the direction or vision of the family.”

Last week, we began to examine the subject of default modes of successful marriages. We dealt extensively with the responsibilities of the woman in the union.

As I began to write about the man’s default, I am reminded about a situation that happened while I was in courtship with my wife. She had acted in a way that I didn’t like and I wanted to exert myself as the head of the union by getting angry to show her my displeasure. Looking back, I know better that you don’t need to exert yourself to show you are the head. Just lead! 

Being the head as a man does not mean you are the better person in the union and should not give you a superiority complex. Being the head puts a responsibility on you.

When you start your marital journey, it’s okay for your wife to submit because she has to but as you grow, make it a goal for her to submit because she wants to. It should be because she has been able to prove that following your leadership has paid off. 

To the man, he says; 

Husbands, Love! The love here is not a feeling but is the one called ‘agape’ which means, “I love you period.” It is not love based on conditions. This love is not even predicated on her actions or inaction but a God ordained default setting for a man. Loving her entails understanding her and a willingness to make excuses for her.

What you love, you protect from harm and hurt. What you love you accept unconditionally. The man must understand that he is married to a woman not a fellow man and that should help him manage his expectations of her. 

One thing that explains love the most is unconditional acceptance. You cannot change a spouse you don’t accept. The story of the prodigal son explains this in that when the lost son came home, the father embraced him despite his appearance before asking for a change of garment (Luke chapter 15).

Most times, we want to do the opposite with our wives. We want them to change their garments before embracing them. I accept my wife’s strengths and weakness and I do my best never to allow her doubt my unconditional acceptance. That is the key to enjoying your spouse. 

The love here is compared to the kind of love that Christ has for us that He gave up his life. ‘Love your wife’ is a huge one for the man and it’s also not dependent on whether she submits or not. This means that the love is meaningless where there is no sacrifice. Loving your wife will require you to give up certain preferences, especially the ones that do not impact directly on the direction or vision of the family. This love means willingness to come down from your glory like Jesus did to bring her to glory also. This love is far from the hormonal rush you experience especially in courtship but the one that wants to sacrifice. 


That the man is the head of the home means that the success of the home depends on him largely. Just think for a moment what the head does in the body. All the functionality of the body depends on the head. It gives direction to the entire body.

The brain, the eyes, the ears, the mouth and the nose are all positioned right in the head which makes the role of the man very significant. The outcome of your home depends on how well you carry out your responsibility. 

The above default modes of marriage will serve as pillars that will make a marriage strong, solid and happy.

Your marriage will succeed! 


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